I learned from a very young age how important a Father can be. Fortunately, I was lucky that I had a strong role model in my Mother after my Father had passed. I guess I am remembering because November 11th, 1988 is when I lost my Maternal Grandmother.
On this remembrance day in Canada, and Veterans Day in the United States, I am thinking of all the children who have lost parents. Sometimes in my line of work, I get a glimpse of the challenge that all parents face when raising children alone. But I still can't fathom the challenge a single father faces in raising a daughter.
Don't get me wrong-I think a Father is perfectly capable of raising a strong, confident and capable adult women. In some cases even more so than a female role model. I shudder to think how I might have turned out if I wasn't lavished with love from my wonderful Dad for the first 13 years of my life, not to mention how my older Brother was always there for me, as much as he could be.
So, single dads, I hope you can feel my admiration for your taking on the challenge of raising a daughter alone. In trying to understand the keys to success in raising a daughter as a single dad, I turned to some of my friends and acquaintances who have done it well and looked up a lot of information on the Internet. My thanks to you all.
Whether you are divorced or separated and the custodial parent, or whether you are a widowed dad, the challenges are very similar. So, given the advice from those who have walked in your shoes, here are some suggestions for tackling this important task successfully.
Don't Go It Alone. Most of the dads I talked to spoke of the importance of a female mentor in the lives of their daughters. For some dads, a grandmother, aunt or other family member can take that role. For others, it is the mom of a friend his daughter's age. For others, the mentor may be a church youth leader, girl scout leader or athletic coach. But finding a strong and capable female role model is critical to your daughter's success in growing up. Helping your daughter connect to this mentor is a step you need to take.
Communicate. Many men tend to take an "I Must Fix It" mentality in their lives and their relationships. We tend to listen long enough to identify the problem, and then we are off on the solution. Our daughters usually don't want us to fix their issues; they would rather we listen for understanding and let them learn to work our solutions. Keeping the lines of communications open requires time, patience and a willingness to make it a priority.
Teach Her to Solve Problems. Sometimes our daughters need a little coaching in terms of problem-solving. Sitting with her and helping her think through an issue, develop alternatives and come to a conclusion tends to be counter-intuitive for some fathers. But it is important to teach her how, and not to lean on us for solutions. Helping her develop good problem-solving skills will serve her well throughout her life.
Don't Rescue or Overprotect. I know from my friends own experience with his daughters that he had no problem at all being the white knight to ride in on my charger to rescue her. It was hard for him to learn to let his daughters struggle with life's problems and challenges. If you overprotect, your daughter will either rebel or become dependent, and neither of those outcomes is a positive. Allow some limited risks and she will learn confidence as she succeeds.
Be Involved in Her Life. I think it is generally easier for dads to be involved with their sons' lives than with the goings on in a daughter's world. But as a single dad, your daughter needs to feel your support. Attend her athletic contests, just like you would with your sons. Take her shopping occasionally. Be around the house when she has her friends around. Make opportunities to be together, and your relationship will grow.
What About Dating and Guys? Sometimes helping your daughter through the transition of puberty into adolescence can be a single dad's greatest emotional challenge. Successful dads suggest being up front and honest about these issues. Help her understand why you are little nervous about her developing relationships with guys or about helping her understand what is happening to her body, emotions and hormones. And recognize that some things will just be awkward. Relying on your trusted female mentor for some of these issues will be helpful. Most young men and young women who have healthy group relationships with both genders tend to be more prepared for the time when the guys and girl will begin pairing off, so create some of those group opportunities along the way. A great book to open up conversion is Judy Blumes, are you there God, it's me, Margaret.
How About Support Groups? Sometimes, single dads appreciate the support of others in the same boat. Some organizations like Parents Without Partners can help. In addition, several online sources like the Fatherhood Forum can help you connect electronically with other fathers with similar challenges.
Single Daddy's and Mommy's, I salute you. It take s a Village to raise any child. I know it can be done. In the case of Girls, if you are sensitive to your daughters and invest the time into your relationship, you'll find great satisfaction in raising a great daughter.
Like my Dad used to sing to me, Thanks Heaven for little girls, they grow up in the most delightful way.
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